Fear

It boils up inside.  Anxiousness, churning stomach, interrupted sleep.  Nails are chewed off, teeth are ground down, and pimples appear.  Lastly, that voice in your head screams "RUN AWAY"!!

While not everyone may have the same reaction to fear, I have had most, if not all, of those symptoms at some time or another.  Any combination of them and I'm likely to give in to that voice and get gone.

I have a few irrational fears in my life such as getting trapped under a sail if the boat capsizes, dying in a fire, falling from great heights, and being haunted by ghosts.  Being afraid to succeed is not one I'd normally put on the list.  In fact, most times I like being the "overachiever", as my sister sometimes calls me.  So why is it, that I have a fear of succeeding at weight loss?

It's not that I enjoy being at my present weight.  I am flexible, but can't bend into certain poses because my fat gets in the way.  I hate that I'm getting (if not have) a double chin, and there are stretch marks on my thighs.  Form fitting shirts are often covered by sweatshirts & long sweaters.  Yoga pants are more of a go-to than jeans and I'm not at the top of anyone's "Hottest Woman" list.

So if I dislike my present situation so much, why do I stay here?  Why not drop the 75lbs that would bring me to a healthy 150? 

Fear.

As a teen, I developed early.  My appearance was fodder for some who enjoyed laughing & teasing me about it.  Overalls were a big fashion statement, and my "friends" at the time liked to throw orange peels down the front of my overalls (this was easy because of my 'early development').  Boys would look at my chest, not my eyes, and I HATED that I was judged on my appearance, not my intelligence.  I think I promised myself that no one would ever date me based on my physical, but rather they had to get to know the person I was first.  Losing the weight means people will see my curves again, though I'm sure they'll be different from those of a 16 yr old.  They'll stare, or they'll comment.  I hated the attention then...I'm afraid it will come back with weight loss.

Fear.

I lost the weight once.  I was down to 155lbs and oblivious of most of the changes to my shape.  I suspect it was a number of factors all at the same time, but two that stick out was when someone I knew was getting rid of some clothes, I volunteered to be the recipient.   The response from that person was disbelief that their clothes would fit me.  I remember thinking "why do you still see me as a 'big girl'?" and feeling a bit crushed.  Turns out their clothes did fit me, but the moment stuck in my mind.  The other incident was when I was lying in my bed one morning and I stretched.  Running my hands down my sides and across my abdomen, I realized how much my shape had changed.

I panicked.

I've never been comfortable with my curves.  I still can't pinpoint why it terrifies me to be slim...to have a figure that is tight & taunt.  That morning when I stretched, I immediately became self-conscious.  I felt naked, despite having clothes on.  The feeling of exposure was akin to stage fright.  Somehow I felt that everyone would stare and notice.  I retreated into myself, and the weight started to come back on.

That was 9 years ago and I guess I could say I succeeded at putting the weight back on...all 70lbs of it.  My weight has become my safety blanket, and I'm not sure I know how to let it go. 

For anyone else who has faced up to their fears, or have gone through a weight loss journey, have you ever feared success?  I see myself and I want to change, but...

I'm afraid.