Wanting

There are those in our world that want for basic comforts: water, food, and shelter.  While the deprivation of my particular "want" won't result in loss of life, it is without question, still a loss in my mind.

For some, it's seeing a young child being comforted by a parent and wishing they'd had the same sort of love.  For others, it's feeling anguish at the mention of babies and conceptions, a joy not possible or yet achieved.  For me, it's finding someone to share my life with.

I thought I'd found it once.  I thought I'd satisfied the want and quenched the longing, but it wasn't the time or place...or for that matter the person.  It was a poor substitute that left me in more pain than being without.  Now, more than 12 years later, I've yet to find one who I'd want standing beside me.

I don't begrudge my friends or family members for having discovered it.  To be truthful, I'm thrilled they have what has eluded me.  Their happiness doesn't cause me pain, which is a relief to me.  That relief, however, doesn't help heal the hurt that has buried itself so deep inside me, I'm scared I'll never find the cure.

There are others like me, I'm sure.  Desperately hoping, waiting in agony, and despairing they'll never find it.  Will I be one of those that's just not lucky enough to have love in my life?  Am I to go through my life without a partner, a spouse, or someone to share those intimate moments with?

Why me?

The wanting doesn't go away completely.  I can drown it out with work, volunteering, family, and a good book, but it creeps back time after time.  When I least expect it, it surrounds my heart and squeezes hard.  The pain radiates throughout my chest and my bones, and my mind screams from the overwhelming loneliness. 

Years ago, I had more hope than doubt that the next day would bring that fateful moment that I'd meet him.  As each day passes, however, that hope dims.  I'm starting to give up and life without that hope feels cold & empty.  The hurt, which continues to burn, is starting to turn to anger and resentment.  I'm very afraid it will make me a bitter person.

I'm not a quitter.

On the days that life itself seems harsh and unforgiving, my spark of hope is reduced to a single burning ember.  But it's still there.  I've gone on blind dates, tried numerous online dating sites, and even attended a speed dating event or two.  If he exists, he wasn't anywhere to be found in those places.

I need help.

Pride is something that I cannot afford right now and so I'm about to do something that throws my wanting out into the open.  I've walked this journey alone, for the most part, and found nothing.  I can't do it alone anymore, so I'm asking my friends and family for help.

Help me find someone to share my life with.  Help me put this pain to rest and end the emptiness inside me.  I have a deep and anguished part of my heart that needs healing, and there's an endless wanting.

I want to love.