Update & replace certain wardrobe items....mostly check (a couple remnants from my old life remain for those days I would rather curl up with a warm blanket)
End a 12 year....um, on another hand, I'll keep this one to myself.... uncheck :(
It's that time of the year again. The time I look back and see if I actually accomplished what I set out to do in January 2014. I'd give myself a passing grade of 60%. Moderate performance, but clearly not honourable mention.
Just re-reading that last statement reaffirms what I'm setting out to do in 2015 and it has to do with respect. I realized that while I try to respect my peers, my students, my family, and others, I actually treat my own life with a great deal of disrespect.
Like so many others, I am my own worst critic. I put myself down, I take my frustrations out on my own possessions or worse, my body. The past few months I've been asking myself "why me"? Why do I have a lack of willpower to budget, to eat right, to exercise, to find a partner in life, to keep my possessions in good repair, or keep a neat & tidy house? Why did I draw the short stick and end up single at 33, childless, and overweight? How come I have to be the loser in these areas of life, blah, blah, blah....wow, did that sound whiny.
A little revelation in the shower yesterday brought me up short. The only person telling me that I can't do something, don't deserve to be happy, or that I'm only 2nd best is...ME. It's not written anywhere that I can't be pretty, fit, fiscally responsible, and in a serious relationship. I don't have to settle for this!
So...(drum roll please)...I made a little visual to remind me of what I'm setting out to do this year:
Okay, so the teacher in me had to put this into a fun little graph, lol. Laughter aside, my goal for 2015 is to focus on each area and learn to respect my body, the food I put in it, the money I make, and the belongings I own.
It boils up inside. Anxiousness, churning stomach, interrupted sleep. Nails are chewed off, teeth are ground down, and pimples appear. Lastly, that voice in your head screams "RUN AWAY"!!
While not everyone may have the same reaction to fear, I have had most, if not all, of those symptoms at some time or another. Any combination of them and I'm likely to give in to that voice and get gone.
I have a few irrational fears in my life such as getting trapped under a sail if the boat capsizes, dying in a fire, falling from great heights, and being haunted by ghosts. Being afraid to succeed is not one I'd normally put on the list. In fact, most times I like being the "overachiever", as my sister sometimes calls me. So why is it, that I have a fear of succeeding at weight loss?
It's not that I enjoy being at my present weight. I am flexible, but can't bend into certain poses because my fat gets in the way. I hate that I'm getting (if not have) a double chin, and there are stretch marks on my thighs. Form fitting shirts are often covered by sweatshirts & long sweaters. Yoga pants are more of a go-to than jeans and I'm not at the top of anyone's "Hottest Woman" list.
So if I dislike my present situation so much, why do I stay here? Why not drop the 75lbs that would bring me to a healthy 150?
Fear.
As a teen, I developed early. My appearance was fodder for some who enjoyed laughing & teasing me about it. Overalls were a big fashion statement, and my "friends" at the time liked to throw orange peels down the front of my overalls (this was easy because of my 'early development'). Boys would look at my chest, not my eyes, and I HATED that I was judged on my appearance, not my intelligence. I think I promised myself that no one would ever date me based on my physical, but rather they had to get to know the person I was first. Losing the weight means people will see my curves again, though I'm sure they'll be different from those of a 16 yr old. They'll stare, or they'll comment. I hated the attention then...I'm afraid it will come back with weight loss.
Fear.
I lost the weight once. I was down to 155lbs and oblivious of most of the changes to my shape. I suspect it was a number of factors all at the same time, but two that stick out was when someone I knew was getting rid of some clothes, I volunteered to be the recipient. The response from that person was disbelief that their clothes would fit me. I remember thinking "why do you still see me as a 'big girl'?" and feeling a bit crushed. Turns out their clothes did fit me, but the moment stuck in my mind. The other incident was when I was lying in my bed one morning and I stretched. Running my hands down my sides and across my abdomen, I realized how much my shape had changed.
I panicked.
I've never been comfortable with my curves. I still can't pinpoint why it terrifies me to be slim...to have a figure that is tight & taunt. That morning when I stretched, I immediately became self-conscious. I felt naked, despite having clothes on. The feeling of exposure was akin to stage fright. Somehow I felt that everyone would stare and notice. I retreated into myself, and the weight started to come back on.
That was 9 years ago and I guess I could say I succeeded at putting the weight back on...all 70lbs of it. My weight has become my safety blanket, and I'm not sure I know how to let it go.
For anyone else who has faced up to their fears, or have gone through a weight loss journey, have you ever feared success? I see myself and I want to change, but...
You walk into a room of 8 other nervous women. Some know each other, some are obviously here alone. The room is full of intimidating equipment and you scout out the best place. It has to be somewhere you can see the instructor, but still blend in. Unfortunately, the only pole available is right at the front of the class. Darn it.
Looking around, you realize that you'll be spending the next 60 minutes staring yourself as the front of the class is completely covered in floor-to-ceiling mirrors. You begin to have second thoughts...
"Am I nuts? Can I do this? What was I thinking???"
Your bouncy and happy instructor takes her place at the front and the music begins. Her hips begin to swing from side-to-side and she encourages you to do the same. Looking around, you awkwardly begin to move. It's somewhat soothing to realize everyone else is just as stiff and just as nervous.
She introduces herself as Kat and guides everyone through a basic warm up where stretching out arms and legs is necessary. The core component is challenging, but so far it's a typical gym class. With a smile on her face, the instructor guides everyone up onto their knees. Things are about to get a heck of a lot more awkward.
" Alright ladies, it's time for our ponies"
You half wonder if someone is about to lead a number of small horses into the room. Instead, it's the next exercise designed to strengthen our thighs and shatter inhibitions. Kat spreads her knees and then provocatively goes from kneeling to being upright on her knees. She bounces up and down in the position 3 times before slapping her butt. Everyone giggles nervously and stares. The class follows in suit and within minutes it becomes clear. You're definitely coming back to next class.
In January 2014, I made myself promise 3 things. One of those promises was to try pole fitness. I'd sampled it in England, but hadn't really had much experience with it. I convinced a friend to try it with me and after the first class, I was falling in love.
Why?
Firstly, it's liberating. I'm not a small person and I somehow had it in the back of my mind that only skinny people get to be sexy. Here I was, twice the size of some of the girls, doing the same things and getting to feel the same enjoyment. No one was stripping off clothes, it wasn't demeaning and garish. It was just a bunch of women coming together, with all of our personal insecurities, to dance.
I've attended over 20 classes now and can see the difference. Not necessarily physical, though I've strengthened muscles I didn't know I had, but also in my self-confidence. Those ponies don't intimidate me anymore and I often have to resist from showing off what I've learned. Lol, people who aren't comfortable with pole fitness or my flirty dance might mistake what I've learned as a provocative and inappropriate peep show instead of the pride I feel in my accomplishments.
It started with a pole hold, and it has become an ongoing love affair with a tall, brass pole.
Don't panic, this isn't about a song by Miley Cyrus.
When was the last time you looked at something and your inner voice said, "You can't do that. It's too hard!" Every fiber in your being laughed at you for even contemplating it, and you mentally shook your head at the folly of even attempting it.
This summer, my mother & I drove to Newfoundland to visit with family. In addition to seeing members of my family I hadn't seen in ages, I had a request. I wanted to hike. My mother, who has the energy & ambition of a 20 yr old on a sugar high, threw out the idea that we climb Gros Morne. I agreed, but inside I was secretly terrified. There was NO WAY I would be capable of something that physically demanding.
I didn't tell her I was that terrified of the hike. I think she figured out that I was uneasy, but I'm not sure she realized how much I was hoping to get injured before we got there so I would save myself the embarrassment of failure. I did NOT want my lack of success on Gros Morne to become another reminder of my physical ineptitudes.
The morning after our arrival in Newfoundland, Mom & I went on a walk down into Corner Brook. It wasn't intense, though certainly hilly. I could feel my muscles swearing at me, and my breath was somewhat laboured. I kept thinking, "geez...if this is hard, there is NO WAY I was going to be able to complete Gros Morne".
I wanted to do some "tester" hikes out before we set a date for Gros Morne. When Mom was out in Corner Brook earlier in the year, she had heard of a lovely hike in Bottle Cove. We looked it up, and decided to make a day of it. We'd stop in on a cousin on the way down, and then do Bottle Cove. If we were out there, why not do another hike in the same area? The Outer Bay of Islands Enhancement Committee had some YouTube videos
of hikes in the area, and wanting a bit more of a challenge, we settled
on Little Port Lighthouse Trail.
Though rated difficult, the video didn't scare us off as the hikers seemed at ease & relaxed. There were ropes in places to help with the decent (they took the trail counter-clockwise) and it was only 3 km long.
Enjoying the scenery @ Bottle Cove
The hike along Bottle Cove brought us to a beautiful lookout at the entrance to the cove. The beautiful mountains in the background seemed so lovely and I couldn't help but take a moment to appreciate the beauty. It was a peaceful moment that now seems somewhat comical in my mind. While I was enjoying the moment, my next challenge was staring me straight in the face. Hint, take note of the furthest mountain in the picture. It becomes quite significant later.
After a nice walk back through the woods, we stopped at a picnic table by the beach to enjoy our lunch. The wind was just right, the sun shone brightly, the water was calm, and there wasn't a bug in sight! Quick side note, if you are often a mosquito or black fly's beverage of choice, hike by the ocean. They don't like salt water!
With lunch finished, we headed off to the Little Port Lighthouse Trail. It's only 5-10 min away and when we arrived, I couldn't help notice the "hills" around us, the same ones I had marveled at from Bottle Cove. Surely we would only be hiking around the bottom of those. No one could climb that monster in a day. Not to mention, I couldn't do that. Not a chance.
The view out into the ocean at Cedar Cove
The video we had watched suggested doing the trail in a counter-clockwise direction which would leave us with the option of doing Cedar Cove at the end, if we still had the energy. As luck would have it, oops...we did it clockwise. The hike to Cedar Cove was just the right amount of elevation, in my mind, and it was a great way to work off a bit of our lunch.
On the way there, we walked by the start (or finish?) of the Little Port Lighthouse Trail. A sign indicated the trail was to be used at your own risk. "Okay," I thought to myself, "they're being safe as it was rated as difficult".
Hiking up Little Port Lighthouse Trail
After Cedar Cove, Mom & I headed back to the trail head. The first 300m put a false sense of security in my mind. Hmmm...not so bad. Then it started to get steeper...and steeper...and steeper. Then came the ropes. Not nice little guide lines so you can steady yourself going down, but rather lifelines. Letting go at the wrong time meant scary consequences. As much as we depended on those ropes, there was also a deep sense of loathing. Ropes meant very steep hill, rock, shale, and whatever else we might slip on. I'm not trying to be dramatic when I tell you I lost all sense of time. The only thing that mattered was getting to the top, one step at a time.
This picture is deceiving. It looks like a little jaunt in the woods...it wasn't. My lungs were screaming, my muscles fatigued, and in the back of my mind, all I was saying to myself was "I can...I can...just one more step. The top of this trail MUST be around the corner. There's no way it goes all the way to the top. It has to even out somewhere soon".
We were only partly up the trail
At last, there was a break in the trees, and it seemed as though we must be arriving at a level spot. I watched Mom pull herself up on a flat rock and I hoped we'd reached the top. Hmm...not so lucky, we were only part way. At this point, what do you do? The trail was so steep that going down seemed like asking for injury. A certain song about a bear hunt came to mind..."can't go over it, can't go around it, must go through it."
So up we went. There were slips, scrapes, scary moments, and parts of the trail where I only went 3-4 meters before I had to stop and catch my breath. It's one of the hardest things I've ever done physically. I just kept saying to myself, "Well you have two options. One, you stop here and give up, or you keep going." Since option one was stupid (I couldn't give up; what were they going to do, airlift me off the mountain?), I had to keep going. No point in whining about it either. Neither Mom, nor I, wanted to hear it.
The view from the top
Then it came...the top. I can't remember the last time I felt that much satisfaction.
The climb seemed absolutely impossible at the start. The going was rough, my legs screamed, my hands hurt, and then I saw the view from the top. I have never seen such beauty & experienced such wonder. Aside from the unobtrusive trail markers, there wasn't anything else man-made up there. There aren't words do describe it and I think everyone experiences it differently.
Looking down into the valley below, we realized just how high we had climbed. The car was a speck of bronze in a parking lot and tiny toy boats floated in a little harbour far below us.
Looking back at the start of the trail (by the parking lot)
What goes up, must come down. We headed across the top of the mountain with Mom in the lead. The mood was lighter and more comical. I wonder if both of us, having succeeded in the climb up, were in better humour. "If I see another rope, Steph, I'm going to scream "F...K"!" (note, the word was not Freak). Mom really didn't like those ropes. At times it looked as if she was about to walk off the side of the cliff, the climb was that steep going down.
I paused to munch on some wild blueberries and Mom trail blazed ahead. Soon after, the peace of the moment was disrupted by the loud exclamation of a certain swear word. Hmmm...guess there are ropes going down.
Thanks to a friend who got me into doing some indoor wall climbing a few years ago, I found the decent MUCH easier than going up. Still, it was challenging and at times you really had to concentrate on where you were putting your hands & feet.
Mom was a trooper. Going down was more difficult for her going up, but she never complained. She swore a lot, but she was pretty positive.
It was much faster going down, than going up. The trail ended with a hike through the forest at the base of the mountain, and at times, more ropes. We came out near the stairs we had first climbed to start the Cedar Cove Trail, and I looked back at the mountain. When we first got there, my thought had been, "Not a chance. I can't do that". Driving away from the cliffs by the ocean, the thought that dominated my mind was...
I DID IT!
We never climbed Gros Morne this summer. On the way home, Mom told me that this hike was more challenging that Gros Morne and that if I could do Little Port, I could do the other. We agreed that it would be the hike for the next summer we go back to Newfoundland. Next time, I won't be going with the attitude "I can't", but with the thought that "I will".
This could be a particularly challenging week for the Apple Cider Soak. I have not been kind to my feet and there are some pretty hard calluses to get rid of. Gross.
I'm apprehensive. I associate apple cider vinegar with musty old apple juice someone forgot to throw out. Now I'm going to soak my feet in it??
This is not as simple a process as the past 2 soaks. The American Athletic Institute method requires that I pre-soak my feet before using the apple cider vinegar. Their steps are:
1. Soak in a 50/50 solution of white vinegar & warm water for 20 min
2. Soak feet in drinking water for 5 minutes
3. Soak your feet in apple cider vinegar (not diluted!) for 15 min.
This does not seem to be a very time-efficient method of removing calluses as it takes 40 min for the process to work. The recipe claims to work wonders on callused feet. Hmmm, I've heard that before.
....5....
...10...
...15...
...20...
...40...
40 minutes later and I definitely have a rating for this soak: 0/5. WORST one yet. The only thing this recipe succeeded in doing is getting my feet to smell like rotten apples. The calluses were barely softened and I probably could have accomplished just as much by just soaking in warm water.
Next week's soak is compliments of Ashley Gilbert on Pinterest. This particular recipe combines many of our previously tried ingredients. I'm calling it "everything, but the kitchen sink" foot soak.
Is "Delicious Detox" an oxy moron? Looking up the word "Detox" online results in numerous methods to clean out your body and very few of them seem appealing. For example, you can go all juice, or you can take a variety of supplements/pills to help your body "flush" the toxins out.
This gives me the impression of either being very hungry (and feeling very sloshy) or having to swallow horse pills in a variety of colours. Neither one conjures up the adjective, "delicious".
Starting Monday, I'm going to put the book "Delicious Detox" to the test. The book claims these are "fast and easy recipes to boost energy and improve health". I'm hoping they all taste good too!
What I CAN'T have:
Beef, Lamb, Pork, or Goat
Eggs, Shellfish, or Soy
Wheat, Oats, Rye, Barley
Spelt, Kamut, or White/Whole Wheat Flours
Tomatoes, Eggplant, or Corn
White Potatoes, or Mushrooms
Oranges, Bananas, Melons, Dried Fruit, or Fruit Juices
Alcohol, Caffeine, Sugar, Vinegar, Dairy, MSGs, Preservatives, or Sulphites
If you're thinking..."Geez, what CAN I eat...this sounds like I'm giving up the entire contents of my fridge/freezer/pantry", don't panic. There's a great list of things you can eat on this detox.
What I CAN have:
Chicken, Turkey, Fish, and Beans
Quinoa, Amaranth, Millet, Buckwheat, and Brown Rice
Gluten-free flours
Gluten-free pasta
Plain brown rice cakes/crackers
Any other vegetables (other than those on the "can't" list)
Any other fruit (other than those on the "can't list)
Unsalted raw almonds, walnuts, brazil nuts, and pecans
Almond butter, and other nut bothers
Pumpkin seeds, Sunflower seeds, Flaxseeds, and Sesame Seeds
Extra Virgin Olive Oil, Sunflower Oil, and Sesame Oil
Rice and Almond Milk
Herbal Teas (Green, White, or Rooibos)
Sea Salt
All Herbs & Spices
The book suggests a detox of 3 weeks, but as I'm going to be vacationing before 3 weeks is up, I'm opting to do just 1 week. That might extend to 10 days, but it depends on how "delicious" this detox is.
The other thing I'm keeping in mind is that a lot of detoxes require you to spend a fair bit of money. I want to see if I can do this detox on my budget of no more than $40.00 a week in groceries. That said, there is kale & a head of broccoli in my fridge, a container of sunflower seeds in my pantry, 2 yams in my veggie drawer, olive oil under my sink, and frozen blueberries in my freezer, so I don't have to buy any of these items (roughly $10.00 worth of groceries).
