The V-word

It's a horrific word that can strike fear in the hearts of those that hear it.  Some feel anxiety and start to sweat when confronted with it.  It is a haunting word that is said to cause even the bravest person to turn and run.  While others run, a few stand up and answer the call back with a resounding "yes"!  No one is immune to hearing it, though some will take incredible steps to avoid it...

"We need VOLUNTEERS"...

Friends abandon each other and many strangers turn a blind eye or make excuses.  "I'm too busy...I don't know how...I'm sorry, no....I can't...Let me get back to you..."

It's true that we lead busier lives than perhaps our grandparents did.  We're always rushing, never rested, stressed, and feeling overwhelmed.  When being asked to volunteer for something, we often think of ourselves and the "WIIFM" princple (what's in it for me).  We're being asked to sacrifice one of our most precious resources...time, and without any visible payoff for ourselves.

As a result, those people who are seeking volunteers, are often required to pick up the workload themselves.  Something that should be done by 10 people, is done by only 2-3.  The burden on these people is extreme and without the support of others, they often burn out or walk away from it the next year, not willing to put themselves through the chaos again. 

I see this so often in my own life and maybe you do too.  As a teacher, I get involved in a number of extra-curriculars at school.  I've been warned by family and friends that I'm doing too much, and it's true...I'm exhausted and overwhelmed.  I have no lunch hours or after-school time until at least mid-November because of the things I've committed to.  It's not healthy.  But when I tried to say no to coaching/hosting/advising one of these commitments this year, I was approached by the organizer who told me that they couldn't get anyone else to volunteer.  Would I re-consider?

Every year, our church puts on a Turkey dinner.  Being family or friends with a good number of the organizers, I see the hard work that goes into running such an event.  By the time Sunday rolls around, over 550 people will have eaten in 2.5 hrs.  The prepwork, cooking, cleaning, and organizing that goes into this event is incredible.  And every year, the organizers have to fight tooth and nail for volunteers.  People, who would normally drop by and say hi, start avoiding them in mid-October.  Phone calls for help go unanswered and some of those closest to the organizers run around trying to support and fill in the blanks.

With such busy lives, is it any wonder we'd shy away from something that seems to threaten the precarious balance of our crazy schedules?  We crave stress-free moments of peace, happiness, laughter, friendship, and relaxation.  In fact, we'll pay pricey spa fees and travel costs to find it.  What many don't realize is that there are volunteer opportunities that will provide all of these benefits, plus more, and for a fraction of the cost!

Volunteering sometimes comes with the stigma of being a huge commitment, a drain on personal resources, and an exhausting experience.  I suspect a lot of this comes from watching those tired few who have picked up the mantle and forged ahead while lacking the support of others.  Why would you want to volunteer when it seems that everyone taking part is exhausted by the end of it?  What they don't realize is that if others had stepped forward to help, the load would have been less.  Many hands, do after all, make for lighter work.

photo credits: www.volunteer.ie

People who volunteer can experience a boost to the "feel-good" part of their brain, develop new friendships, combat depression, network, stay physically healthy, find a purpose, and generally feel happy.  Volunteers often report they've learned a new skill, laughed (a lot), felt needed/wanted, and walked away from the experience with a new perspective on life. 


Winston Churchill put it this way.  "We make a living by what we get, but we make a life by what we give". 

Clutter Culture

I trip, stumble, bump, bash, or crash over it.  As much as I dream about clean and organized spaces, I still seem to end up with clutter.

Every so often I'll clean everything out, or at least a fair bit of it (the rest gets put "away").  The next thing I know, I'll look around my living room or bedroom and hurricane clutter has hit again!

Why is it that the clutter keeps coming back? 

I know I'm not alone in this.  Clutter is becoming a serious materialistic epidemic.  They make TV shows about this stuff!  Anyone ever seen hoarders??

I'm not nearly to that level, but I have to ask myself, why does my apartment start to look like a post-natural disaster zone when I'm barely home?  If I am being honest with myself, it's in part due to my busy schedule, my lack of motivation to put things away, and this almost bone-deep desire to bring new things into my home to try and update the old.

Right now I'm staring at an empty shoe box.  A part of my brain justifies this by pointing out its potential as storage, gift wrapping, or school-related project.  The other side of my brain is shaking her head in disgust.  "Steph," she says, "It has been there since September!  You've got to move on!!"  This side of my brain is practical, logical, and yearns to be clutter-free.  The other side of my brain sadly shakes her head.  She reminds me of the environmental impact of this box, the days of "reuse, reduce, recycle" (a theme drilled into us in elementary school), and the hope of finding a use for this attractive red box.

I often come home bone-tired.  The last thing I want to do is tidy & clean as I feel like I've spent the entire day running around behind kids picking up their stuff & tidying my classroom.  I want to curl up in my comfy chair, but I'm often faced with that chair being full of things I meant to put away.  My clutter is becoming an obstacle to enjoying my apartment.

So how do you go clutter-free while negotiating a peace treaty between the pragmatic and dreamer sides of your brain?  It seems like such a monumental task, yet quite necessary if I want to have full enjoyment of my space.  In times like this, I'm drawn to check out the different options on one of my favourite sites...Pinterest.

Here are some of the more appealing suggestions:

• 31 Day Detox Diet by www.cleanandscentsible.com: this promises to help you reduce clutter in only 15 minutes a day (anyone starting to think this sounds like an ad for weight loss?)
• How about a "1 Touch Rule" as suggested by www.mothersniche.com?  The theory is that if we put it away in the first place, we'd only be touching it once.  By putting it on the couch, a shelf, the chair, the table, or floor, we'll be moving it again later.  In theory, this means touching it multiple times as opposed to only doing it once. 
• Magic of Tidying Up is a book recommended by www.modernmrsdarcy.com.  By implementing concepts taught by Japanese personal tidying expert, Marie Kondo, this blogger has found new ways to organize and cut out the clutter.

De-cluttering is not a one time thing that you do like a 2-week diet.  It's a lifestyle change, much like changing your eating and fitness habits.  There will be bumps in the road, but in the end, it can become a permanent change.  Psychologically, it's about letting go of things and fighting the desire to bring more into the home for the sake of having more stuff.

We live in a society that is constantly being marketed to.  We're being told we need things to be happy and that we won't be successful or at peace until we have the perfect combination of things in our homes.  This contributes to the growing culture of clutter.  The truth is, the things that we need to be happy don't come in shrink wrap, plastic bags, or even cute red shoe boxes.  Learning to embrace the joys of holding someone else's hand, relishing a good hug, or spending time with loved ones is what really fills a space.

Someone I very much respect once told me, "We have to stop filling the hallow spaces in our lives with things that were never designed to fill them."  He was absolutely right!

Wanting

There are those in our world that want for basic comforts: water, food, and shelter.  While the deprivation of my particular "want" won't result in loss of life, it is without question, still a loss in my mind.

For some, it's seeing a young child being comforted by a parent and wishing they'd had the same sort of love.  For others, it's feeling anguish at the mention of babies and conceptions, a joy not possible or yet achieved.  For me, it's finding someone to share my life with.

I thought I'd found it once.  I thought I'd satisfied the want and quenched the longing, but it wasn't the time or place...or for that matter the person.  It was a poor substitute that left me in more pain than being without.  Now, more than 12 years later, I've yet to find one who I'd want standing beside me.

I don't begrudge my friends or family members for having discovered it.  To be truthful, I'm thrilled they have what has eluded me.  Their happiness doesn't cause me pain, which is a relief to me.  That relief, however, doesn't help heal the hurt that has buried itself so deep inside me, I'm scared I'll never find the cure.

There are others like me, I'm sure.  Desperately hoping, waiting in agony, and despairing they'll never find it.  Will I be one of those that's just not lucky enough to have love in my life?  Am I to go through my life without a partner, a spouse, or someone to share those intimate moments with?

Why me?

The wanting doesn't go away completely.  I can drown it out with work, volunteering, family, and a good book, but it creeps back time after time.  When I least expect it, it surrounds my heart and squeezes hard.  The pain radiates throughout my chest and my bones, and my mind screams from the overwhelming loneliness. 

Years ago, I had more hope than doubt that the next day would bring that fateful moment that I'd meet him.  As each day passes, however, that hope dims.  I'm starting to give up and life without that hope feels cold & empty.  The hurt, which continues to burn, is starting to turn to anger and resentment.  I'm very afraid it will make me a bitter person.

I'm not a quitter.

On the days that life itself seems harsh and unforgiving, my spark of hope is reduced to a single burning ember.  But it's still there.  I've gone on blind dates, tried numerous online dating sites, and even attended a speed dating event or two.  If he exists, he wasn't anywhere to be found in those places.

I need help.

Pride is something that I cannot afford right now and so I'm about to do something that throws my wanting out into the open.  I've walked this journey alone, for the most part, and found nothing.  I can't do it alone anymore, so I'm asking my friends and family for help.

Help me find someone to share my life with.  Help me put this pain to rest and end the emptiness inside me.  I have a deep and anguished part of my heart that needs healing, and there's an endless wanting.

I want to love. 

Lovable

There's this girl you see often.  Her skin has frequent breakouts, her hair a bit oily.  She's overweight, wears glasses, and you always see her alone.  She's not fashionable, has a bit of an overbite, and wouldn't grace the cover of a fashion magazine.

You've talked to her a few times and note that she's got a bit of a temper.  She gets moody, downright bitchy, and speaks before she thinks.  She never quite seems happy and conversations with her suggest she's aware of her sometimes gloomy disposition.

Stubborn is not the word.  You wonder if she ever really got over teenage rebellion as she's prone to digging in her heels to be contrary.  She'll go where she wants to go, not necessarily because someone tells her to.  It's her way of keeping control over some aspects of her life.

Last night the two of you really talked.  She told you about the dreams she has for herself.  She dreams of having a partner in life and children, but doubts she's pretty enough to attract anyone.  A questioning look has her talking about the number of times that men have asked her if her friend/co-worker is single.  But never have they asked about her.  After all, who would want to date a fat girl?

Her head hangs down a bit and you have to get her to look up at you before you continue the conversation.  You point out her involvement in community, charity, and hobbies.  You mention her pretty eyes and bright smile, but it's hard to pull her out of the rut she's in.

She admits she's had a hard time trusting men.  She tells a tale of being burnt in a relationship, and you can relate.  When you talk about dating, she sighs and explains that anyone she has met that she has the slightest interest in, has absolutely no interest in her. 

She attributes this to her weight and talks about how so many of her friends that are in relationships, are much more slender than she is.  Very few of her heavier friends have boyfriends or spouses.  Seeing her heavier friends in loving relationships is the only thing that keeps her believing it's possible.

It occurs to you that this person is very much in need of love; love only you can give.  You catch her eye and start telling her about all the things she can do to be happier.  You agree to go with her to the gym, help her eat healthy, and learn to re-establish trust.  You encourage her to forgive herself, and tell her that regardless of her flaws, you think she is beautiful and lovable.

The effect of these positive words has tears welling in her eyes.  She stares back at you in disbelief and a small smile graces her lips.  The tears start sliding down her cheeks as she takes in what you're telling her.  Your love for her is boundless and unconditional. 

You agree that you need to talk to her more often like this.  Help her with her fears, talk about her dreams, and share time together.  You turn to leave her, knowing she'll be better today.  Feeling good, you smile to yourself,

and turn away from the mirror.

Money Doesn't Grow on Parents

credit of tree graphic to digitalart at freedigitalphotos.net

This week, one of the Financial Post's headlines read "Parents financial supporting adult children feeling the pinch, poll says".  The topic was discussed on the radio and was picked up by other news sources around the country.  Like others, I listened, considered, and promptly forgot about it.  Then my phone chimed...twice.  "You should write a blog post about this", texted my mother.

When I first read the message, I had every intention of shrugging it off.  Then I worked 2 jobs for a total of 16.5 hours and finally got home after 3am.  I kept thinking about the young adults who still live under their parents' roof like and are supported up to $500 a month by mom and/or dad.

My parents had rules for us after we came home from university.  You either contributed financially to the household, or you could move out and do it yourself.  No free rides.  Utilities were divided by the number of us in the house & we contributed to the weekly grocery fund (I think it was $50 each).  Everyone was expected to contribute to the upkeep of the home and share in the chores.

Not all of my friends had similar circumstances.  Some of them lived at home for free and were shocked I had to pay.  I'll admit, I was frustrated too sometimes as they seemed to have all the money in the world for frivolous things.  I don't recall, but I wouldn't be surprised if I vocalized my frustrations to my parents at times.  You know how you sometimes hear parents say "Thanks nice, but that's not how things work in this house"?  Needless to say, my sisters and I paid.

Paying rent, utilities, and grocery money was a hard and harsh lesson to learn, but it was a critical life lesson.  Housing and such doesn't come free, so it's best to learn how to handle the financial costs early.  If you want to do more, you have to earn more.  It's why, as a full-time teacher, I'm also a 1x a week bartender. 

photo courtesy of debspool at freedigitalphotos.net

Gail Vaz-Oxlade, who hosts the show Prince$$, frequently emphasizes the need for young adults to be realistic and fiscally self-sufficient.  The guests on her show are pampered and drain the financial resources of their parents, friends, and partners.  Often they have racked up huge debts and have a high sense of
entitlement.

Many of my students in years past have dreams of wonderful & highly-paid careers.  They imagine they'll leave university and find that perfect job that gives them the well-decorated, spacious condo and dinners out with friends on a nightly basis.  They scoff at lower paid jobs that require them to do what they consider "menial" tasks. 

Our country is having difficulty with finding jobs for young people, it's true, but there are jobs out there.  Maybe it means working part-time hours stocking shelves, cleaning up messes, washing dirty dishes, or things you absolutely dislike.  I didn't want to do those jobs either, but a couple of wise "older" people told me once that there was no job beneath me if I needed the money.  If flipping burgers right now is what pays the bills, you flip.

I work 2 jobs because there are trips I want to take and home ownership in this area has become increasingly unobtainable.  If I want to travel and buy a house, I have to find a way to afford it, hence the bar tending on top of teaching.  It astounds me that we now have TV shows about parents buying houses for their kids.  How does buying your child a house teach them any self-respect, self-reliance, or responsibility??

We've become a society where everything has to be the same or better than what we are used to.  We've become accustomed to the lifestyle our parents now lead and forget to ask them what it was like when they started out.  I bet you many of them had many tinned soup & canned tuna days at the beginning of their journey...not filet mignon and lobster. 

10 Tips for Tech-Free Enertainment on Car Trips

Commercials use it, children whine it, and parents dread hearing it.

"Are we there yet?"

Long car trips are often seen as horrific undertakings with weary, worn-out travelers arguing, whining, crying, yelling, or sulking.  The solution, according to numerous auto manufacturers, is to make sure your car is equipped with hi-tech gadgets, iPads, DVD players, etc.

But what did people do in the "good ol' days" when such technology was non-existent?

My parents are from a different part of the country from where we grew up and with my mother having most of the summer off, countless summers consisted of a long trip to & from Canada's east coast.  To this day, my sisters and I count those trips amongst our happiest summer memories, despite being in a van for 2-3 days at a time without tvs or movies to entertain us.

I don't think any of us missed our electronics on those trips and each of us explored the more creative sides of our personalities.  We came up with our own games, jokes, and traditions.  Some of those traditions, such as car bingo and timbits in Sackville, continue to this day.

So how did my parents not go totally nuts with 3 girls confined to a small space for 2 days?

10 Tips for Tech-Free Car Trips

1. Surprise!
On a particularly long trip, my mother picked up some fairly low-mess games, books, and crafts.  She wrapped each one in white paper and hid them in the car.  I was too young to know whether it was once-a-day or when we got restless, but she had our undivided attention when she announced it was time to pull out the surprise bin.  Each of us got to pick one and this kept us entertained.  It didn't have to be fancy.  One of my favourites was balloon people.  We got to colour the stickers and such that would adhere to our balloon to give him/her a personality.  Colouring took time, so that kept us entertained.  I'm not sure how my parents handled the random popping of balloons, but no one drove off the road, so it couldn't have been too bad.  Check out your local Dollar Store for some ideas.

2. Car Bingo
This is an ongoing favourite.  We tend to make up the bingos on one day, and then play the game another day.  The winner usually has his/her choice of ice cream or a chocolate bar along the way, but you could come up with an alternative. White paper and water-based markers are best.  You can create the lines in advance, or do it on the road.  If you're particularly fussy about straight lines, I suggest making these first...the road can be slightly bumpy.  Keeping it simple with things like "tractor" or "cow" is great for younger kids.  Just be careful not to get too complicated.  This year, 4 of us (all adults) traveled down to Nova Scotia for a family wedding.  My father commented at the end that "you know when bingo is getting too difficult when no one wins".  Trying to find a red car (not truck) with advertising on it, while traveling on the TransCanada highway, was just a bit too challenging.

3. Clicker
It's an improv game that my sisters and I played when we were younger.  One of us would pretend to hold the clicker (more commonly known as the tv remote) and flip between channels.  The other two of us would be responsible for acting out a channel.  The end of the turn was concluded by the person holding the "clicker" giving the rest of us a product to make a commercial about.  The best commercial would determine who would be the next "clicker".  This game doesn't require anything but imagination, but earplugs might be handy for those not wanting to listen in.  My parents hated this one, so it  may not be for you.  That said, one particular moment from this game became infamous in our family thanks to comic timing in a commercial about floating shoes.  Ask my sister Denise if you want the full story.
  
4. Activity Bins
Markers, colouring books, plain paper, and even origami could be found in our activity bins.  The bins weren't labeled to ensure each sibling had equal amounts, so if there wasn't enough of something, too bad.  This didn't cause a lot of fights as each of us was fairly unique in our likes/dislikes.  We had little table tops to use for steady drawing surfaces, and if we finished with what we were using, we had to tidy up before moving on to the next thing.  I won't say our van was spic & span after the trip, but it did keep some of the mess to a minimum (my mother might dispute this though)


5. Travel Games
Connect-4, Scrabble and Yahtzee were some of the travel games we had.  You can find them at places like Mastermind Toys and Walmart.  They are designed to be fairly self-contained, and are good distractions without electronic technology.  Old Maid was another game we played and cards were passed around the car with minimal issues.


6. MadLibs
One way to ensure laughter, while being a bit educational, is doing MadLibs.  You can find them online and print out copies in advance, but buying a book of them is worth it.  We laughed until we cried on numerous occasions, and the book could be brought out multiple times during the trip.  I suggest keeping it to a minimum each time though.  You don't want to get sick of the activity by continuing after the stories stop being funny.

7. Pico Fermi Bagel
This numbers game is a guessing game based on the placement of numbers.  You can find the instructions for it at this link.  Essentially, one person has a sequence of numbers in their head and the others try to guess what they may be.  Not a game with laughter, but definitely distracting and challenging.  The longer the sequence, the harder the game.


8. Car Colours
This game requires you to have visual contact with oncoming traffic.  Each person selects a car colour and you keep track of your own colour.  As a car passes you, you can add to your tally if the car is your colour.  Mixed colours are excluded.  Given the number of silver cars these days, you may choose to make it off-limits.  This is a game the driver can join in on and it can get a bit competitive.  Better suited for days without rain.  It's hard to look the wipers to determine if the car is navy or black.


9. Finger Puppets
Better for younger travelers, but still fun for some adults.  My mother was quite happy to play even when the kids had had enough.  Having each person come up with a little skit or dance along to the music could get fairly amusing.  I remember a particular moment with larger puppets when "Me Donkey Wants Water" turned into a wrestling match between Pandi the Panda Bear and Leon the Lion.


10. Person, Place or Thing
A classic game you may have played in school, this activity is mess-free and creative.  One player selects a person, place, or thing, and the rest of the travelers have to come up with yes/no questions to determine the answer.  The older the travelers, the more obscure you can get!

Trying to find Romeo online: Awkward First Dates

You've traded photos, emails, and possibly phone numbers.  Now the day is here and you're wondering if the image you've built up in your head will come anywhere close to the person who is about to walk in those doors.  Are you confident or shy?  Excited or nervous?  Maybe all four emotions at once?

Like many people who look online for a partner, I've met some pretty interesting characters.  Some seem younger than expected, some are nothing like their online persona and some need to work on their social skills. 

Mr. "Stuck in Childhood"
I'm all for a bit of geek in a guy, but this young man took it to extremes.  He told me about his interest in comic books and that he sometimes collected things.  During our first date, he elaborated on his love of Power Rangers for a good 15 minutes.  He described his apartment as being a shrine to figurines and admitted that most of his time was spent watching old episodes of childhood shows.  I'm all for enjoying bits of the past.  I still have my Buffy the Vampire and Lois & Clark DVDs, but they come out maybe once a year.  I was looking for a man who would go hiking, traveling and socialize.  The one I found desperately wished to be a boy again and was more in love with his TV than anything else.

Mr. "Not the Whole Story"
I'm all for a bit of mystery, but when someone downplays a significant part of themselves, it has me doubting their honesty.  I'd spent a bit of time getting to know a young man who informed me he had cerebral palsy.  My parents raised me to be open and accepting of peoples' disabilities, so I opted to go ahead and meet the man in person.  What I expected to be a bit of fine motor skill issues and a speech impediment turned out to be quite a bit more intense.  He'd opted for sushi, which I thought was admirably gutsy, but looking back, not a great first date choice.  There's something about slurping sushi that doesn't rate high on the "sexy" scale.  We both admitted there wasn't much chemistry between us and while a second date was a possibility, the communication dropped off completely.  

Mr. "Maybe I'm being too forward?"
Though claiming to be a headhunter on his online profile, I think one date had further aspirations of becoming an Ear, Nose, and Throat doctor after trying to perform a tonsillectomy in the parking lot.  Prior to our first date, he acted like the perfect gentleman.  Concluding our date, he asked if he could kiss me saying that he'd found in the past that he was sometimes too forward.  Assuming this meant a peck, I thought "why not"?  Turns out our definitions of a first date kiss greatly differed.  In addition to his bold move, he proceeded to text and email me numerous times the next day.  At one point he asked me if I was still thinking of our kiss as he apparently couldn't think of anything else.  I'll admit he scared me off and I asked to conclude communications.  He questioned whether I really meant what I was saying and kept messaging.  Creepy.

Today marks another first date.  This afternoon I'm off to have coffee and I find myself wondering if I'll be adding to the tales of "Awkward First Dates" or maybe this will be one for the slimmer volume of "Date No. 2"