Wanting

There are those in our world that want for basic comforts: water, food, and shelter.  While the deprivation of my particular "want" won't result in loss of life, it is without question, still a loss in my mind.

For some, it's seeing a young child being comforted by a parent and wishing they'd had the same sort of love.  For others, it's feeling anguish at the mention of babies and conceptions, a joy not possible or yet achieved.  For me, it's finding someone to share my life with.

I thought I'd found it once.  I thought I'd satisfied the want and quenched the longing, but it wasn't the time or place...or for that matter the person.  It was a poor substitute that left me in more pain than being without.  Now, more than 12 years later, I've yet to find one who I'd want standing beside me.

I don't begrudge my friends or family members for having discovered it.  To be truthful, I'm thrilled they have what has eluded me.  Their happiness doesn't cause me pain, which is a relief to me.  That relief, however, doesn't help heal the hurt that has buried itself so deep inside me, I'm scared I'll never find the cure.

There are others like me, I'm sure.  Desperately hoping, waiting in agony, and despairing they'll never find it.  Will I be one of those that's just not lucky enough to have love in my life?  Am I to go through my life without a partner, a spouse, or someone to share those intimate moments with?

Why me?

The wanting doesn't go away completely.  I can drown it out with work, volunteering, family, and a good book, but it creeps back time after time.  When I least expect it, it surrounds my heart and squeezes hard.  The pain radiates throughout my chest and my bones, and my mind screams from the overwhelming loneliness. 

Years ago, I had more hope than doubt that the next day would bring that fateful moment that I'd meet him.  As each day passes, however, that hope dims.  I'm starting to give up and life without that hope feels cold & empty.  The hurt, which continues to burn, is starting to turn to anger and resentment.  I'm very afraid it will make me a bitter person.

I'm not a quitter.

On the days that life itself seems harsh and unforgiving, my spark of hope is reduced to a single burning ember.  But it's still there.  I've gone on blind dates, tried numerous online dating sites, and even attended a speed dating event or two.  If he exists, he wasn't anywhere to be found in those places.

I need help.

Pride is something that I cannot afford right now and so I'm about to do something that throws my wanting out into the open.  I've walked this journey alone, for the most part, and found nothing.  I can't do it alone anymore, so I'm asking my friends and family for help.

Help me find someone to share my life with.  Help me put this pain to rest and end the emptiness inside me.  I have a deep and anguished part of my heart that needs healing, and there's an endless wanting.

I want to love. 

Lovable

There's this girl you see often.  Her skin has frequent breakouts, her hair a bit oily.  She's overweight, wears glasses, and you always see her alone.  She's not fashionable, has a bit of an overbite, and wouldn't grace the cover of a fashion magazine.

You've talked to her a few times and note that she's got a bit of a temper.  She gets moody, downright bitchy, and speaks before she thinks.  She never quite seems happy and conversations with her suggest she's aware of her sometimes gloomy disposition.

Stubborn is not the word.  You wonder if she ever really got over teenage rebellion as she's prone to digging in her heels to be contrary.  She'll go where she wants to go, not necessarily because someone tells her to.  It's her way of keeping control over some aspects of her life.

Last night the two of you really talked.  She told you about the dreams she has for herself.  She dreams of having a partner in life and children, but doubts she's pretty enough to attract anyone.  A questioning look has her talking about the number of times that men have asked her if her friend/co-worker is single.  But never have they asked about her.  After all, who would want to date a fat girl?

Her head hangs down a bit and you have to get her to look up at you before you continue the conversation.  You point out her involvement in community, charity, and hobbies.  You mention her pretty eyes and bright smile, but it's hard to pull her out of the rut she's in.

She admits she's had a hard time trusting men.  She tells a tale of being burnt in a relationship, and you can relate.  When you talk about dating, she sighs and explains that anyone she has met that she has the slightest interest in, has absolutely no interest in her. 

She attributes this to her weight and talks about how so many of her friends that are in relationships, are much more slender than she is.  Very few of her heavier friends have boyfriends or spouses.  Seeing her heavier friends in loving relationships is the only thing that keeps her believing it's possible.

It occurs to you that this person is very much in need of love; love only you can give.  You catch her eye and start telling her about all the things she can do to be happier.  You agree to go with her to the gym, help her eat healthy, and learn to re-establish trust.  You encourage her to forgive herself, and tell her that regardless of her flaws, you think she is beautiful and lovable.

The effect of these positive words has tears welling in her eyes.  She stares back at you in disbelief and a small smile graces her lips.  The tears start sliding down her cheeks as she takes in what you're telling her.  Your love for her is boundless and unconditional. 

You agree that you need to talk to her more often like this.  Help her with her fears, talk about her dreams, and share time together.  You turn to leave her, knowing she'll be better today.  Feeling good, you smile to yourself,

and turn away from the mirror.

Money Doesn't Grow on Parents

credit of tree graphic to digitalart at freedigitalphotos.net

This week, one of the Financial Post's headlines read "Parents financial supporting adult children feeling the pinch, poll says".  The topic was discussed on the radio and was picked up by other news sources around the country.  Like others, I listened, considered, and promptly forgot about it.  Then my phone chimed...twice.  "You should write a blog post about this", texted my mother.

When I first read the message, I had every intention of shrugging it off.  Then I worked 2 jobs for a total of 16.5 hours and finally got home after 3am.  I kept thinking about the young adults who still live under their parents' roof like and are supported up to $500 a month by mom and/or dad.

My parents had rules for us after we came home from university.  You either contributed financially to the household, or you could move out and do it yourself.  No free rides.  Utilities were divided by the number of us in the house & we contributed to the weekly grocery fund (I think it was $50 each).  Everyone was expected to contribute to the upkeep of the home and share in the chores.

Not all of my friends had similar circumstances.  Some of them lived at home for free and were shocked I had to pay.  I'll admit, I was frustrated too sometimes as they seemed to have all the money in the world for frivolous things.  I don't recall, but I wouldn't be surprised if I vocalized my frustrations to my parents at times.  You know how you sometimes hear parents say "Thanks nice, but that's not how things work in this house"?  Needless to say, my sisters and I paid.

Paying rent, utilities, and grocery money was a hard and harsh lesson to learn, but it was a critical life lesson.  Housing and such doesn't come free, so it's best to learn how to handle the financial costs early.  If you want to do more, you have to earn more.  It's why, as a full-time teacher, I'm also a 1x a week bartender. 

photo courtesy of debspool at freedigitalphotos.net

Gail Vaz-Oxlade, who hosts the show Prince$$, frequently emphasizes the need for young adults to be realistic and fiscally self-sufficient.  The guests on her show are pampered and drain the financial resources of their parents, friends, and partners.  Often they have racked up huge debts and have a high sense of
entitlement.

Many of my students in years past have dreams of wonderful & highly-paid careers.  They imagine they'll leave university and find that perfect job that gives them the well-decorated, spacious condo and dinners out with friends on a nightly basis.  They scoff at lower paid jobs that require them to do what they consider "menial" tasks. 

Our country is having difficulty with finding jobs for young people, it's true, but there are jobs out there.  Maybe it means working part-time hours stocking shelves, cleaning up messes, washing dirty dishes, or things you absolutely dislike.  I didn't want to do those jobs either, but a couple of wise "older" people told me once that there was no job beneath me if I needed the money.  If flipping burgers right now is what pays the bills, you flip.

I work 2 jobs because there are trips I want to take and home ownership in this area has become increasingly unobtainable.  If I want to travel and buy a house, I have to find a way to afford it, hence the bar tending on top of teaching.  It astounds me that we now have TV shows about parents buying houses for their kids.  How does buying your child a house teach them any self-respect, self-reliance, or responsibility??

We've become a society where everything has to be the same or better than what we are used to.  We've become accustomed to the lifestyle our parents now lead and forget to ask them what it was like when they started out.  I bet you many of them had many tinned soup & canned tuna days at the beginning of their journey...not filet mignon and lobster.