Sparks: Smoke or Flame?

Was it a smile of a friend, or maybe something more?  Wait, did he just make a point of coming over and talking to me or is he just being nice?  I could have sworn we were headed towards dating, but now I'm not so sure...

Being someone with minimal dating experience, I'm hardly an expert.  In fact, on one Thanksgiving weekend not too long ago, my friends, family & I were wine tasting in the Jordan area.  I got into a conversation with the bartender about my camera.  Thinking nothing of it (and oblivious to the looks my friends were giving me), I enjoyed my wine and went on my way.  To this day, a few friends still tease me about it. 

"He was completely hitting on you!  Geez, Steph, no one just springs into a conversation about your camera for no reason."

Whether they were right or not, they had a good point.  This was hardly the first time something like this had happened.  From an unexpected kiss at 16 by the fire at a youth retreat to a friend in university having to spell out his desire to be more, I have a history of missing cues.  

So how do you know when there are sparks on both sides?  What actions or behaviours help us determine if it's just smoke, or if there's something more?  

Like many other people, I turned to Google to help me answer this perplexing question.  After a few microseconds, the top answer popped to the top of the search results,

"When you walk in front of him, he'll look you up and down. When you talk, he looks at your lips, and does it often. He likes what he sees! The easiest way to tell if a guy likes you is by looking into his eyes" 

Right....

So I'm supposed to whip my head around to see if he's looking me up and down while I walk in front of him and then he'll be fixated on my lips?  Oh, and there will be some little thought bubble that pops up over his head with a thumbs up?  Something tells me, it's not as easy as looking deep into someone's eyes and knowing instantaneously that they are interested.

Thinking there's got to be another answer, I asked a few friends to keep an eye on the actions of someone I thought might be interested in me.  Their responses weren't much more illuminating...

"He might be, but then again he might not.  He's sending mixed signals."

With no clear answer to the question, I find myself considering methods usually employed by kids in primary school.

"Do you like me?  

Check Yes or No"

The Other "F" Word

"Behind every fat woman there is a beautiful one...no, seriously, you're in the way"

If you do a Google search for fat jokes, you'll get over 1 million results, some incredibly derogatory and painful to read.  So many people in our society today seem to be blind that behind every fat person is a real life human being with feelings and their own story to tell.

I am fat.

Writing that, saying it aloud is painful, but living it is more so.  I'm judged before people even get to know me.  From the rejection comments or fat shaming comments on dating websites to having people make assumptions about me, it affects every area of my life.

Am I the healthiest person on the planet, definitely not, but I'm not unhealthy either.  I eat my veggies, rarely have fast food, and I'm not really a soda drinker.  There's no junk food in my apartment and I go to the gym (though not as much as I'd like).  I have friends who eat far more junk than I do and don't weigh nearly as much.

But really, does that even matter?  Should it?  Why do I have to justify it?  Explain it?  Be judged for it?

One of the hardest things that comes with being fat is the comments.  From strangers yelling randomly from cars to those closest to me making comments about weight, I wonder if they even hear themselves?  How would they react to being the recipient of such mean comments?

Last week, I stood awkwardly listening to a woman fat shaming her husband.  At least twice, she pointed out how her husband's weight was an inconvenience and poked fun at his body.  What made it more embarrassing and also infuriating was that she didn't do so subtly and there were others around who knew the couple.  

Having talked to this person before, I know that part of the reason she vocalizes it in public is to motivate her spouse to lose the weight.  I wonder though, does she understand the pain she inflicts?  Sometimes her husband isn't around to hear her comments...and sometimes he is.

 Science has discussed fat shaming and debated whether or not it works.  Does a negative comment lead to more positive behaviour just so the negative consequences will stop?  By pointing out someone's we
ight and making comments so that the fat person feels shame, do they immediately pack up their gym bag and go on a juice diet?

No.

The truth, according to a number of scientific studies, is that fat shaming does quite the opposite.  Hearing mean comments made about your weight causes a loss of self-esteem, increases stress, and may actually result in emotional binge eating for some.

While frustrated and angry with the fat shaming spouse, I've met other people who take quite an opposite viewpoint.  An acquaintance of mine has been working to get into better shape.  Her partner has also been working to make better choices and for a time, was making huge strides.  Never did I hear her say anything more than positive and encouraging things.  When her partner hit a plateau and didn't seem to be motivated to go any further, she didn't resort to fat shaming to push him to keep going.

Does a big value on the scale = lower self worth?

I talked to her one day about this, as I was dealing with my own weight issues.  Her response to me was that it needed to come from him.  She would encourage him and help him in any way possible, but the last thing she was going to do was put him down, embarrass and shame him.

Fat is a disease in our society and it directly impacts our health, the cost of benefits & health care, and our longevity.  Individually, it impacts the emotional and mental health of those struggling with it.

Let's face it, in kindergarten we learned it wasn't nice to call people names or say mean things.  Why should being adults change that?  Putting people down, shaming them, cat-calling, making mean jokes, or judging those with a weight issue isn't the answer.  We need to be encouraging and dare I say, loving?

Resolutions

January 1st...the day many diets & promises to visit the gym are born.  I think of them as start-up companies in a way.  Many are destined to fail, but some not only survive, but thrive.  Why is that?

Good intentions are cheap.  We mean well, but sometimes we set the bar too high or can't maintain the passion needed to succeed.  We establish unrealistic expectations and then give up when they are too hard to achieve.

Reporters and journalists write articles about resolutions at this time of the year, and many people publicly declare their desires to be thinner, happier, and thriftier people.  Talk shows go on about different strategies and promote products that are reputed to help us accomplish our goals.

With so many overweight and unhappy people in debt, I'm starting to wonder if this is an example of insanity?  Doing the same thing over and over again, but expecting different results...

What if we changed our resolutions?  Instead of quantifying an amount of weight to lose or restricting our budgets until a penny seems a fortune, we focused on the positive?

This New Year's Eve I'm resolving to be a better human being.  Some days I'll succeed, and some days I'll fail.  I won't keep count, and I won't beat myself up for missing the bar if I fall short.  The next day has the potential to be a better one and is another chance to make it right.

It might be holding the door open for a stranger, picking up someone else's trash, staying as healthy as I can, being kind to others (and myself), respecting the environment, or spending time with friends. 

Instead of berating myself over my failures, I'm planning on recording my successes: a memory or moment from each day that helped me be a better human, and why it made me happy.  A sour expression and harping on the negativity of the day will only taint my interactions with myself and others.

Life is better sweet than bitter.

The V-word

It's a horrific word that can strike fear in the hearts of those that hear it.  Some feel anxiety and start to sweat when confronted with it.  It is a haunting word that is said to cause even the bravest person to turn and run.  While others run, a few stand up and answer the call back with a resounding "yes"!  No one is immune to hearing it, though some will take incredible steps to avoid it...

"We need VOLUNTEERS"...

Friends abandon each other and many strangers turn a blind eye or make excuses.  "I'm too busy...I don't know how...I'm sorry, no....I can't...Let me get back to you..."

It's true that we lead busier lives than perhaps our grandparents did.  We're always rushing, never rested, stressed, and feeling overwhelmed.  When being asked to volunteer for something, we often think of ourselves and the "WIIFM" princple (what's in it for me).  We're being asked to sacrifice one of our most precious resources...time, and without any visible payoff for ourselves.

As a result, those people who are seeking volunteers, are often required to pick up the workload themselves.  Something that should be done by 10 people, is done by only 2-3.  The burden on these people is extreme and without the support of others, they often burn out or walk away from it the next year, not willing to put themselves through the chaos again. 

I see this so often in my own life and maybe you do too.  As a teacher, I get involved in a number of extra-curriculars at school.  I've been warned by family and friends that I'm doing too much, and it's true...I'm exhausted and overwhelmed.  I have no lunch hours or after-school time until at least mid-November because of the things I've committed to.  It's not healthy.  But when I tried to say no to coaching/hosting/advising one of these commitments this year, I was approached by the organizer who told me that they couldn't get anyone else to volunteer.  Would I re-consider?

Every year, our church puts on a Turkey dinner.  Being family or friends with a good number of the organizers, I see the hard work that goes into running such an event.  By the time Sunday rolls around, over 550 people will have eaten in 2.5 hrs.  The prepwork, cooking, cleaning, and organizing that goes into this event is incredible.  And every year, the organizers have to fight tooth and nail for volunteers.  People, who would normally drop by and say hi, start avoiding them in mid-October.  Phone calls for help go unanswered and some of those closest to the organizers run around trying to support and fill in the blanks.

With such busy lives, is it any wonder we'd shy away from something that seems to threaten the precarious balance of our crazy schedules?  We crave stress-free moments of peace, happiness, laughter, friendship, and relaxation.  In fact, we'll pay pricey spa fees and travel costs to find it.  What many don't realize is that there are volunteer opportunities that will provide all of these benefits, plus more, and for a fraction of the cost!

Volunteering sometimes comes with the stigma of being a huge commitment, a drain on personal resources, and an exhausting experience.  I suspect a lot of this comes from watching those tired few who have picked up the mantle and forged ahead while lacking the support of others.  Why would you want to volunteer when it seems that everyone taking part is exhausted by the end of it?  What they don't realize is that if others had stepped forward to help, the load would have been less.  Many hands, do after all, make for lighter work.

photo credits: www.volunteer.ie

People who volunteer can experience a boost to the "feel-good" part of their brain, develop new friendships, combat depression, network, stay physically healthy, find a purpose, and generally feel happy.  Volunteers often report they've learned a new skill, laughed (a lot), felt needed/wanted, and walked away from the experience with a new perspective on life. 


Winston Churchill put it this way.  "We make a living by what we get, but we make a life by what we give". 

Clutter Culture

I trip, stumble, bump, bash, or crash over it.  As much as I dream about clean and organized spaces, I still seem to end up with clutter.

Every so often I'll clean everything out, or at least a fair bit of it (the rest gets put "away").  The next thing I know, I'll look around my living room or bedroom and hurricane clutter has hit again!

Why is it that the clutter keeps coming back? 

I know I'm not alone in this.  Clutter is becoming a serious materialistic epidemic.  They make TV shows about this stuff!  Anyone ever seen hoarders??

I'm not nearly to that level, but I have to ask myself, why does my apartment start to look like a post-natural disaster zone when I'm barely home?  If I am being honest with myself, it's in part due to my busy schedule, my lack of motivation to put things away, and this almost bone-deep desire to bring new things into my home to try and update the old.

Right now I'm staring at an empty shoe box.  A part of my brain justifies this by pointing out its potential as storage, gift wrapping, or school-related project.  The other side of my brain is shaking her head in disgust.  "Steph," she says, "It has been there since September!  You've got to move on!!"  This side of my brain is practical, logical, and yearns to be clutter-free.  The other side of my brain sadly shakes her head.  She reminds me of the environmental impact of this box, the days of "reuse, reduce, recycle" (a theme drilled into us in elementary school), and the hope of finding a use for this attractive red box.

I often come home bone-tired.  The last thing I want to do is tidy & clean as I feel like I've spent the entire day running around behind kids picking up their stuff & tidying my classroom.  I want to curl up in my comfy chair, but I'm often faced with that chair being full of things I meant to put away.  My clutter is becoming an obstacle to enjoying my apartment.

So how do you go clutter-free while negotiating a peace treaty between the pragmatic and dreamer sides of your brain?  It seems like such a monumental task, yet quite necessary if I want to have full enjoyment of my space.  In times like this, I'm drawn to check out the different options on one of my favourite sites...Pinterest.

Here are some of the more appealing suggestions:

• 31 Day Detox Diet by www.cleanandscentsible.com: this promises to help you reduce clutter in only 15 minutes a day (anyone starting to think this sounds like an ad for weight loss?)
• How about a "1 Touch Rule" as suggested by www.mothersniche.com?  The theory is that if we put it away in the first place, we'd only be touching it once.  By putting it on the couch, a shelf, the chair, the table, or floor, we'll be moving it again later.  In theory, this means touching it multiple times as opposed to only doing it once. 
• Magic of Tidying Up is a book recommended by www.modernmrsdarcy.com.  By implementing concepts taught by Japanese personal tidying expert, Marie Kondo, this blogger has found new ways to organize and cut out the clutter.

De-cluttering is not a one time thing that you do like a 2-week diet.  It's a lifestyle change, much like changing your eating and fitness habits.  There will be bumps in the road, but in the end, it can become a permanent change.  Psychologically, it's about letting go of things and fighting the desire to bring more into the home for the sake of having more stuff.

We live in a society that is constantly being marketed to.  We're being told we need things to be happy and that we won't be successful or at peace until we have the perfect combination of things in our homes.  This contributes to the growing culture of clutter.  The truth is, the things that we need to be happy don't come in shrink wrap, plastic bags, or even cute red shoe boxes.  Learning to embrace the joys of holding someone else's hand, relishing a good hug, or spending time with loved ones is what really fills a space.

Someone I very much respect once told me, "We have to stop filling the hallow spaces in our lives with things that were never designed to fill them."  He was absolutely right!

Wanting

There are those in our world that want for basic comforts: water, food, and shelter.  While the deprivation of my particular "want" won't result in loss of life, it is without question, still a loss in my mind.

For some, it's seeing a young child being comforted by a parent and wishing they'd had the same sort of love.  For others, it's feeling anguish at the mention of babies and conceptions, a joy not possible or yet achieved.  For me, it's finding someone to share my life with.

I thought I'd found it once.  I thought I'd satisfied the want and quenched the longing, but it wasn't the time or place...or for that matter the person.  It was a poor substitute that left me in more pain than being without.  Now, more than 12 years later, I've yet to find one who I'd want standing beside me.

I don't begrudge my friends or family members for having discovered it.  To be truthful, I'm thrilled they have what has eluded me.  Their happiness doesn't cause me pain, which is a relief to me.  That relief, however, doesn't help heal the hurt that has buried itself so deep inside me, I'm scared I'll never find the cure.

There are others like me, I'm sure.  Desperately hoping, waiting in agony, and despairing they'll never find it.  Will I be one of those that's just not lucky enough to have love in my life?  Am I to go through my life without a partner, a spouse, or someone to share those intimate moments with?

Why me?

The wanting doesn't go away completely.  I can drown it out with work, volunteering, family, and a good book, but it creeps back time after time.  When I least expect it, it surrounds my heart and squeezes hard.  The pain radiates throughout my chest and my bones, and my mind screams from the overwhelming loneliness. 

Years ago, I had more hope than doubt that the next day would bring that fateful moment that I'd meet him.  As each day passes, however, that hope dims.  I'm starting to give up and life without that hope feels cold & empty.  The hurt, which continues to burn, is starting to turn to anger and resentment.  I'm very afraid it will make me a bitter person.

I'm not a quitter.

On the days that life itself seems harsh and unforgiving, my spark of hope is reduced to a single burning ember.  But it's still there.  I've gone on blind dates, tried numerous online dating sites, and even attended a speed dating event or two.  If he exists, he wasn't anywhere to be found in those places.

I need help.

Pride is something that I cannot afford right now and so I'm about to do something that throws my wanting out into the open.  I've walked this journey alone, for the most part, and found nothing.  I can't do it alone anymore, so I'm asking my friends and family for help.

Help me find someone to share my life with.  Help me put this pain to rest and end the emptiness inside me.  I have a deep and anguished part of my heart that needs healing, and there's an endless wanting.

I want to love. 

Lovable

There's this girl you see often.  Her skin has frequent breakouts, her hair a bit oily.  She's overweight, wears glasses, and you always see her alone.  She's not fashionable, has a bit of an overbite, and wouldn't grace the cover of a fashion magazine.

You've talked to her a few times and note that she's got a bit of a temper.  She gets moody, downright bitchy, and speaks before she thinks.  She never quite seems happy and conversations with her suggest she's aware of her sometimes gloomy disposition.

Stubborn is not the word.  You wonder if she ever really got over teenage rebellion as she's prone to digging in her heels to be contrary.  She'll go where she wants to go, not necessarily because someone tells her to.  It's her way of keeping control over some aspects of her life.

Last night the two of you really talked.  She told you about the dreams she has for herself.  She dreams of having a partner in life and children, but doubts she's pretty enough to attract anyone.  A questioning look has her talking about the number of times that men have asked her if her friend/co-worker is single.  But never have they asked about her.  After all, who would want to date a fat girl?

Her head hangs down a bit and you have to get her to look up at you before you continue the conversation.  You point out her involvement in community, charity, and hobbies.  You mention her pretty eyes and bright smile, but it's hard to pull her out of the rut she's in.

She admits she's had a hard time trusting men.  She tells a tale of being burnt in a relationship, and you can relate.  When you talk about dating, she sighs and explains that anyone she has met that she has the slightest interest in, has absolutely no interest in her. 

She attributes this to her weight and talks about how so many of her friends that are in relationships, are much more slender than she is.  Very few of her heavier friends have boyfriends or spouses.  Seeing her heavier friends in loving relationships is the only thing that keeps her believing it's possible.

It occurs to you that this person is very much in need of love; love only you can give.  You catch her eye and start telling her about all the things she can do to be happier.  You agree to go with her to the gym, help her eat healthy, and learn to re-establish trust.  You encourage her to forgive herself, and tell her that regardless of her flaws, you think she is beautiful and lovable.

The effect of these positive words has tears welling in her eyes.  She stares back at you in disbelief and a small smile graces her lips.  The tears start sliding down her cheeks as she takes in what you're telling her.  Your love for her is boundless and unconditional. 

You agree that you need to talk to her more often like this.  Help her with her fears, talk about her dreams, and share time together.  You turn to leave her, knowing she'll be better today.  Feeling good, you smile to yourself,

and turn away from the mirror.